Movie Analysis
October Sky has a lot of interesting themes worth thinking about. The main message is one of passion and the pursuit of that which ignites yours. In addition, it touches on pride in your parents, in your children, and in your country. How exciting?
I could never quite remember what this movie was about, and the last time I tried to watch it, I got bored a few minutes in, or maybe I was just too tired. Either way, I turned it off. Sometimes, I would confuse this movie with Bottle Rocket. I reviewed that one, but it wasn't a long review. That was a mediocre movie at best, and the name might be misleading. This is a great movie, though the title may not mean much to you until after you see it. Once you do, you should take the name to heart. One simple moment in time can spark a lifelong passion, and if you follow that dream, you may reap a rewarding life.
There are always a great many things standing between you and the things in life that you can feel passionate about. There is practicality, a lack of immediate success, people steering you in other directions, your own self doubt, and sometimes, just a lack of vision and direction in your life. In other words, the cards are probably stacked against you. You have to figure out for yourself what sort of thing you might enjoy doing so much that you pour your heart into, maybe even obsessing about it. You have to convince others that you have to push for it, or at least, push for it despite their resistance. You may have to pick up on little clues from others that may have a little more foresight, or perhaps those that are being ambitious for you. You have to learn to persevere. You have to deal with failures along the way. You have to push yourself hard to go above and beyond what will be asked of you to stand out and prove yourself, showing others that you belong where your passion tells you to be. And sometimes, you have to remember that, wherever you are at any time, it was the journey that got you there, and that's who you are, how you've lived your life. Having the knowledge that you've lived your life in pursuit of your passion is a worthwhile goal to strive for. It is the surest sign of success beyond any material possession or document of worthiness.
Amazingly, this movie really does seem to say all that, all the while telling a charming story of four boys breaking the mold and going into uncharted territory. You could watch this movie and maybe never really think all that much about passion, and still enjoy it for the story it presents, but you would be missing out on something special. This movie has the ability to inspire, to reawaken your passion and revive your adventure that is life.
Something else that is addressed, which helps to give this movie its emotional charge, is the way Homer finds pride in his father, and never stops seeking his father's pride in himself. The movie also starts off and ends with an exploration the country's pride, injured at first by the Soviet success in the space race, but renewed with the successful launch of a rocket at the end. The theme is not central, nor is it forced, but it adds to the tension and heightens the resolution. Great stories are baked in conflict, and this is coated in it, like the coal dust on the miners' faces. As I often touch on in my reviews, the believability of the antagonist and the subtle changes of him can make or break a movie. In this case, you may not agree with him, but you can still understand him. And you can accept the shift towards being supportive, while finding relief in it, and you then appreciate the success of the antagonist even more.
This movie should be watched by everyone, whether you've always pursued your dreams or whether you've lost some site of them, whether you're still trying to decide what you can be passionate about, or you can look back at a successful life spent doing what you love. Get started on the path, get back on it, or just feel good knowing you're there.
Self Analysis
I can't watch a movie with a decent father and son dynamic without thinking about my own life, and trying to decide how I feel about it. My dad is more emotional than I knew growing up, or more likely, as he would let on. You have to be a tough dad if you're going to succeed in dispensing discipline. But my dad sometimes played a very small part in my life. He is a worker to his core. He worked full time throughout my childhood, and he came home to a horse farm with a sawmill, a wood furnace, a big yard, an expansive personal garden, a growing family, and so on. His evenings and weekends were spent working just about as much as his weekdays were. He cut the firewood, built the barn, the sheds, and the bigger kitchen. He planted the garden, fixed the fences, sawed the lumber and repaired the cars. In other words, he did a ton of things I don't do now. And when he was doing those things, I was probably off in some imaginary world, playing with toy swords and guns in the woods, building hay forts or reading a fantasy novel. It's hard to remember what we even did together while I was kid. I would help out with chores, and I'd try to tag along to the grocery store. But there was virtually no playing of sports. We'd have annual outings like the company paid trip to Knoebel's Grove, the extra long day trip to the PA Grand Canyon and... I can't think of anything else we did frequently. I remember playing Pinochle with my dad and brothers. I loved it, and I still love Pinochle, if only I can find other players. The running joke is that I'd play it with my friends at the coffeehouse, and when they'd find something else more interesting, I'd just play all their hands for them. Anyway, my dad moved out when I was a young teenager. Oddly, I can't even remember how old I was. I have some memories of one older brother becoming the man in charge, at least in how he'd get really mad if he was doing work when we were playing video games. So if he was still there and not in college, I couldn't have been older than fourteen. I'm pretty sure my sister had left, though, so I had to be at least eleven or twelve. Anyway, I am the youngest and least disciplined of my siblings. Other than some coercion from the aforementioned older brother that got me doing chores, I pretty much did as I pleased. I don't know if my mom failed to encourage me to do schoolwork or if I just ignored her, but I did somewhat poorly in school my senior year, when homework started to be important enough and long enough to affect my grades when I'd skip it. That sort of attitude towards finishing things continued into college, and sticks with me today, to my chagrin. So I didn't finish college even though my three older siblings did. I overanalyze every relationship, and while I used to stick them out for a while, I would find myself losing interest and wanting out long before I'd let it die. More recently, I've find that even small things can stop me from holding onto a promising relationship. So as a college dropout with many failed relationships, I watched as my siblings got married, bought houses, and had children. I finally bought a house last year, but as I write this, I am still single and still lacking a college degree. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever want to lock myself down to a permanent relationship. And I can't help but ask myself if my dad would approve of that choice. I ask myself sometimes whether it matters to me what my dad thinks of my life, and then I wonder just what he does. Lately I've been trying to work up the courage to come out and ask him that. It hasn't happened yet. But I have found in recent years that I can communicate with my dad intelligently and frankly, and he is open to that and even responsive. In some ways, that has helped my affection for him grow, and perhaps also spurned me to seek his approval.
Let's try to bring this back to the other main topic, passion. I found myself quite interested in making web pages. It started so simple. A college roommate made a web page for free. I thought that was amazing, so I started making my own free web page. And many others. I tried to find content for it. It's about me. It's about cars. It's about graphics that move. It's about silly JavaScript tricks. Before long, I was making simple JavaScript based applications. Maybe they did something or had a point. Maybe not so much. And then, while in college, an opportunity appeared. Either a friend told me, or I saw it on a bulletin board. (A physical one. Remember those, back in the day? Sure, BBS existed on the internet, but this was a real one. In real life. Could touch it and everything.) It was a paid internship of some sort. Long story, short, that job eventually fell through, and after a summer working as a sandwich delivery man, I got my first full time job doing web development, and I've been doing it ever since. As my skills grew, I practiced them and did a whole lot with my personal web page, as well as helping others. About four or five years ago, I started picking up some freelance web development, and two years ago, that peaked with a massive web survey application project. But something funny happened. I kind of grew tired of it. I stopped learning new things. I stopped doing my freelance as often and as quickly. And I had some ups and downs at work. So now here I am, trying to avoid freelance, trying to renew my passion in application development and learning new skills so I can succeed at work, and hoping to do more side projects that I actually enjoy and can be passionate about. This path I've taken, though in part responsible for my short circuited education, has aided in financial success of some sort. Basically all of the money needed for a down payment and closing costs for my home came from my biggest freelance projects. Some jumps between jobs has helped increase my salary. And... things like being able to build my own financial tracker and my tendency to read information blogs like GetRichSlowly.org have helped me work out budgets and control my spending. So I wonder how my dad feels about my lack of education and where I'm at in my life. I wonder if he has the insight to appreciate my pursuit of something I'm passionate about.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Zodiac
Movie Analysis
Usually I try to review a movie right after watching it, but I had freelance to worry about last night. My roommate kept bugging me to watch Zodiac, even though I doubt he is a huge advocate of the movie. It's just his personality to use repetition. Nevertheless, I recorded it to my DVR, and after perhaps two months, I finally watched it.
This is a long movie. I knew that going in. The DVR showed the recording as 160 minutes. That's not exactly the length, but it comes close. The problem with the length is that I end up feeling like parts of it were unnecessary, and that the ending wasn't enough for all the time that I put into it. There were a lot of side characters, and when they appeared more than once, I couldn't keep them straight.
I cheated a little, and read a handful of Rotten Tomatoes reviews, which tipped me off on a central theme, that I may or may not have arrived at anyway, and that's obsession. I hope to talk about that later. While there, I noticed that this crowd really liked this movie. I was a little surprised. Maybe those critics are more sophisticated than I am, but I felt that this movie could have used a lot of improvement, and it really didn't entertain me or challenge me in a fulfilling way.
Zodiac is not the main character. The stories revolve around him, but he is merely there to supply the spark and motivation for the other characters to do what they do. That may be obvious in a lot of mystery movies. The questions going through your head might include "will they find him?", "is this him?", or "what will he do next?" You can't help but be somewhat fixated on the killer, but that's distracting from the emphasis of the movie. The real main characters (and there are a few) are all obsessed, to various degrees, with the killer.
What I feel is the main character is a man employed as a cartoonist. Though it's not really clear how or why, he's good at solving puzzles, and is immediately fascinated by the ciphers created by the Zodiac. He's drawn into following the mystery, involved because he works at a newspaper that gets the bulk of the Zodiac letters. I enjoy the dynamic early on, as the cartoonist bothers the investigative reporter and tries to listen in on any Zodiac related meeting. There is a good chemistry between those two characters. Unfornuately, the reporter fizzles out of the movie, and the entire set of characters involved with the newspaper is forgotten, except for the cartoonist. The dynamic he has with a girl he dates and brings into his family is somewhat interesting but pointedly less so. It shows the path of obsession clearly, and reminds the viewer of the negative side of it. I don't see any eloquence in that, though. A little more romance and some gray area could have helped here. Stories need conflict. Relationship problems may be conflict, but if they are obvious, one-sided and direct, then you have no conflicting feelings. You do, though, because you want to know who Zodiac is, so you appreciate that side of the obsession, and see how he must struggle with it when his family relationships and safety may be at risk. Perhaps it is just that there is very little reason to believe he would be torn by family. His obsession is too strong.
There are other main characters, including the aforementioned reporter and a very central homicide detective that later pairs with the (ex) cartoonist to exchange information and ideas. They have some interesting traits and interesting stories, but in the end, the movie was too drawn out to hold my interest, and I've lost interest in discussing them.
More cheating! After some poking around, I found this review which seems to echo my sentiments exactly:
'Zodiac': A Sideways Look At the Pursuit of a Killer
Now can I summon the energy to redirect the lessons of this movie on myself?
Self Analysis
You know, I do tend to get obsessed with things, but never a lifelong obsession. Also, I don't care who killed someone. I'm content solving puzzles like sudoku on medium difficulty.
I used to be somewhat obsessed with freelance web development. Sometimes it would even get in the way of a relationship. I would try to get as much done each week, and bill it all and I just couldn't wait to get that extra cash. It corresponded to another obsession of mine, money. Or at that time, debt reduction. And maybe another obsession, building and upgrading computers. Because, of course, I didn't have room in my budget to spend on that sort of thing, but extra money could be used for that.
I also have a tendency to collect things. I collected stickers as a kid. Whenever I'd get a sheet of them, I wouldn't use them. I would stash them! I probably still have many of those in a box somewhere. I held onto coins that seemed significant, even the really rather common bicentennial quarters. I held onto any pen or pencil I could get my hands on, and even had a little Dick Tracy box full of pencils that had been sharpened most of the way down to the eraser! I kept my stuff animals until an ex-girlfriend finally made me photograph them and reluctantly give them to charity. And I have tons of computer parts still lying around, though I've built plenty of old computers from spare parts to give to family or sell to friends (and friends of friends). The parts just keep accumulating. I even used to keep the boxes that things shipped in, and sometimes, if I think I might resell something, I'll keep the retail box and accessories to increase the resale value. And I have the manuals for just about everything I've ever purchased, from blenders to vacuums to video games.
It's not always healthy. It can be quite freeing and liberating to throw some things away. It may not seem obvious, but I actually like simplicity and dislike clutter. I have a habit of leaving things sit around the house for a little while, but then I'll kind of "snap" and I'll have to clean it all up and put everything back in place, and hide things away from my line of site so I feel better. I'm always wishing I had just a few more places to put everything. My urges to organize and collect constantly battle each other. Occasionally they even work together.
Lately, I've been trying to let go of any kind of obsession. I really avoid freelance any more. I still think about money a whole lot. Sometimes, when I actually do play video games, I'll play them long into the night. During the short period of time that I played World of Warcraft, I lost 80 hours to the game in just two weeks. I played a little here and there afterward, but I seemed to like that game most when I could lose myself in it for large chunks of time. I read car magazines a lot less obsessively, and I generally win arguments with myself about holding on to the Honda Fit for a nice, long time, as I really do like it, but it's also nicely practical and efficient. And I spend as much time as I can being social and choosing live company over material possessions and simulated experiences. But then... I still enjoy watching a movie here or there.
Usually I try to review a movie right after watching it, but I had freelance to worry about last night. My roommate kept bugging me to watch Zodiac, even though I doubt he is a huge advocate of the movie. It's just his personality to use repetition. Nevertheless, I recorded it to my DVR, and after perhaps two months, I finally watched it.
This is a long movie. I knew that going in. The DVR showed the recording as 160 minutes. That's not exactly the length, but it comes close. The problem with the length is that I end up feeling like parts of it were unnecessary, and that the ending wasn't enough for all the time that I put into it. There were a lot of side characters, and when they appeared more than once, I couldn't keep them straight.
I cheated a little, and read a handful of Rotten Tomatoes reviews, which tipped me off on a central theme, that I may or may not have arrived at anyway, and that's obsession. I hope to talk about that later. While there, I noticed that this crowd really liked this movie. I was a little surprised. Maybe those critics are more sophisticated than I am, but I felt that this movie could have used a lot of improvement, and it really didn't entertain me or challenge me in a fulfilling way.
Zodiac is not the main character. The stories revolve around him, but he is merely there to supply the spark and motivation for the other characters to do what they do. That may be obvious in a lot of mystery movies. The questions going through your head might include "will they find him?", "is this him?", or "what will he do next?" You can't help but be somewhat fixated on the killer, but that's distracting from the emphasis of the movie. The real main characters (and there are a few) are all obsessed, to various degrees, with the killer.
What I feel is the main character is a man employed as a cartoonist. Though it's not really clear how or why, he's good at solving puzzles, and is immediately fascinated by the ciphers created by the Zodiac. He's drawn into following the mystery, involved because he works at a newspaper that gets the bulk of the Zodiac letters. I enjoy the dynamic early on, as the cartoonist bothers the investigative reporter and tries to listen in on any Zodiac related meeting. There is a good chemistry between those two characters. Unfornuately, the reporter fizzles out of the movie, and the entire set of characters involved with the newspaper is forgotten, except for the cartoonist. The dynamic he has with a girl he dates and brings into his family is somewhat interesting but pointedly less so. It shows the path of obsession clearly, and reminds the viewer of the negative side of it. I don't see any eloquence in that, though. A little more romance and some gray area could have helped here. Stories need conflict. Relationship problems may be conflict, but if they are obvious, one-sided and direct, then you have no conflicting feelings. You do, though, because you want to know who Zodiac is, so you appreciate that side of the obsession, and see how he must struggle with it when his family relationships and safety may be at risk. Perhaps it is just that there is very little reason to believe he would be torn by family. His obsession is too strong.
There are other main characters, including the aforementioned reporter and a very central homicide detective that later pairs with the (ex) cartoonist to exchange information and ideas. They have some interesting traits and interesting stories, but in the end, the movie was too drawn out to hold my interest, and I've lost interest in discussing them.
More cheating! After some poking around, I found this review which seems to echo my sentiments exactly:
'Zodiac': A Sideways Look At the Pursuit of a Killer
Now can I summon the energy to redirect the lessons of this movie on myself?
Self Analysis
You know, I do tend to get obsessed with things, but never a lifelong obsession. Also, I don't care who killed someone. I'm content solving puzzles like sudoku on medium difficulty.
I used to be somewhat obsessed with freelance web development. Sometimes it would even get in the way of a relationship. I would try to get as much done each week, and bill it all and I just couldn't wait to get that extra cash. It corresponded to another obsession of mine, money. Or at that time, debt reduction. And maybe another obsession, building and upgrading computers. Because, of course, I didn't have room in my budget to spend on that sort of thing, but extra money could be used for that.
I also have a tendency to collect things. I collected stickers as a kid. Whenever I'd get a sheet of them, I wouldn't use them. I would stash them! I probably still have many of those in a box somewhere. I held onto coins that seemed significant, even the really rather common bicentennial quarters. I held onto any pen or pencil I could get my hands on, and even had a little Dick Tracy box full of pencils that had been sharpened most of the way down to the eraser! I kept my stuff animals until an ex-girlfriend finally made me photograph them and reluctantly give them to charity. And I have tons of computer parts still lying around, though I've built plenty of old computers from spare parts to give to family or sell to friends (and friends of friends). The parts just keep accumulating. I even used to keep the boxes that things shipped in, and sometimes, if I think I might resell something, I'll keep the retail box and accessories to increase the resale value. And I have the manuals for just about everything I've ever purchased, from blenders to vacuums to video games.
It's not always healthy. It can be quite freeing and liberating to throw some things away. It may not seem obvious, but I actually like simplicity and dislike clutter. I have a habit of leaving things sit around the house for a little while, but then I'll kind of "snap" and I'll have to clean it all up and put everything back in place, and hide things away from my line of site so I feel better. I'm always wishing I had just a few more places to put everything. My urges to organize and collect constantly battle each other. Occasionally they even work together.
Lately, I've been trying to let go of any kind of obsession. I really avoid freelance any more. I still think about money a whole lot. Sometimes, when I actually do play video games, I'll play them long into the night. During the short period of time that I played World of Warcraft, I lost 80 hours to the game in just two weeks. I played a little here and there afterward, but I seemed to like that game most when I could lose myself in it for large chunks of time. I read car magazines a lot less obsessively, and I generally win arguments with myself about holding on to the Honda Fit for a nice, long time, as I really do like it, but it's also nicely practical and efficient. And I spend as much time as I can being social and choosing live company over material possessions and simulated experiences. But then... I still enjoy watching a movie here or there.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Mysterious Skin
Movie Analysis
I rented Mysterious Skin because I like Joseph Gordon-Levitt as an actor. And Elizabeth Shue is nice to look at. So is Michelle Trachtenberg, though I don't think I'd have known her by name before this movie. As it turns out, it's highly regarded by critics, too. But I don't know if I ever stopped to read to read the synopsis. I had no idea what I was getting into. As is often the case, this may contain spoilers.
It has been said that our country is sexually repressed, at least among civilized nations. It's a mysterious thing, but then our country was founded by religious men who wanted to practice a different religion than that which was tolerated where they came from. If those places didn't even tolerate variations in religion, how could they grow more tolerant, more open concerning sex than our rebellious nation? My knowledge here of history, religion and statistics is lacking, so I'll move on.
From very early into this movie, I was shocked and uncomfortable. I grew up with a certain level of restraint, closed minded opinions subtly fed into my subconscious from people that had a lot of influence in shaping my young impressions of the world. I also learned a lot about being open minded, and I am became very curious about a lot of things, including what people are really like, how they vary, and deep down, how they are very much alike. These two sides of me continue to battle. I want to be as open minded and accepting as I believe I should be, but I rediscover instincts inside, trained in my youth, that recoil and judge quickly and harshly. It repeatedly frustrates me.
This is a movie that is very open, and addresses very uncomfortable issues. Sometimes it does this in subtle ways. And it blatantly demonstrates two sides of what is ultimately just one picture. It shows two very different people living very different lives. But it shows them in parallel, and it hints at the similarities and connections. It also makes every character important in some way. Essentially no one is introduced that doesn't contribute something of value to the stories being told and the concepts behind those stories. There is a lot of depth to this movie that I fear may slip past me without a second viewing. But it's also a very difficult movie to watch. If I watch it again, it will probably be with someone else, so I can get a fresh perspective on this, and discuss it with them in detail. There aren't a lot of people I would trust with that task and this movie. It's really that different.
Early into viewing, I thought this film would use awkward, disjoint events to set up the mood and express the type of movie it is. But quickly, the cohesion built, albeit painfully. The story continued to effectively build upon itself and much more was told than I usually expect from 90 minutes of cinema. I really feel like this movie is very special. With all of the tension and negative emotions pouring out of it, somehow it all adds up to a satisfying, provocative experience. Again, I would recommend to many that they watch this movie, and maybe even do it without knowing what you're getting into, but be sure you're able to absorb and appreciate it, to look behind the horror you feel and get a feeling for what substance is embodied within.
Self Analysis
To apply this kind of movie to your own life could be very therapeutic or traumatic, but certainly very personal. I feel like I can't do this movie any justice without at least trying to piece together some thoughts about what I've learned and how it can apply to my life without digging too deep into the dark recesses of my secret psyche.
Many of the characters are reaching out, each in their own way, probing for acceptance, affection, resolution and a sense of belonging. It sounds generic, but they are working out who they are becoming as they grow. After all, the main characters tell a story spanning a decade, much of which is in their teens. But this is far from a typical coming of age tale. The elements of the story are much heavier and more specific and unique than you'd usually find in your Breakfast Club. And perhaps in some ways, that is one point to be made. Having extreme situations in your life may push your personality sharply in a certain direction, but some underlying human traits always remain. Sometimes I think of myself as the opposite of an extreme, for better or worse. My extreme is in curiosity, and as such, I spread my interests very wide but often shallow. I don't join cliques and focus all of my energy on one specific social group and one common interest that is studied avidly. So I look around, and I see cliques and I see people grouped by their main interests, and I see no one place where I feel I should be. But sometimes then I remember that everyone else is looking around, and they're not sure if they are where they want to be, or if they belong there, or if any place, any group, any passion or person is right for them. And in remembering, I am joined to all those other people, all individuals, all the same.
There is so much more I could and should explore, but I'll save it for a second viewing with a second opinion from a second source.
I rented Mysterious Skin because I like Joseph Gordon-Levitt as an actor. And Elizabeth Shue is nice to look at. So is Michelle Trachtenberg, though I don't think I'd have known her by name before this movie. As it turns out, it's highly regarded by critics, too. But I don't know if I ever stopped to read to read the synopsis. I had no idea what I was getting into. As is often the case, this may contain spoilers.
It has been said that our country is sexually repressed, at least among civilized nations. It's a mysterious thing, but then our country was founded by religious men who wanted to practice a different religion than that which was tolerated where they came from. If those places didn't even tolerate variations in religion, how could they grow more tolerant, more open concerning sex than our rebellious nation? My knowledge here of history, religion and statistics is lacking, so I'll move on.
From very early into this movie, I was shocked and uncomfortable. I grew up with a certain level of restraint, closed minded opinions subtly fed into my subconscious from people that had a lot of influence in shaping my young impressions of the world. I also learned a lot about being open minded, and I am became very curious about a lot of things, including what people are really like, how they vary, and deep down, how they are very much alike. These two sides of me continue to battle. I want to be as open minded and accepting as I believe I should be, but I rediscover instincts inside, trained in my youth, that recoil and judge quickly and harshly. It repeatedly frustrates me.
This is a movie that is very open, and addresses very uncomfortable issues. Sometimes it does this in subtle ways. And it blatantly demonstrates two sides of what is ultimately just one picture. It shows two very different people living very different lives. But it shows them in parallel, and it hints at the similarities and connections. It also makes every character important in some way. Essentially no one is introduced that doesn't contribute something of value to the stories being told and the concepts behind those stories. There is a lot of depth to this movie that I fear may slip past me without a second viewing. But it's also a very difficult movie to watch. If I watch it again, it will probably be with someone else, so I can get a fresh perspective on this, and discuss it with them in detail. There aren't a lot of people I would trust with that task and this movie. It's really that different.
Early into viewing, I thought this film would use awkward, disjoint events to set up the mood and express the type of movie it is. But quickly, the cohesion built, albeit painfully. The story continued to effectively build upon itself and much more was told than I usually expect from 90 minutes of cinema. I really feel like this movie is very special. With all of the tension and negative emotions pouring out of it, somehow it all adds up to a satisfying, provocative experience. Again, I would recommend to many that they watch this movie, and maybe even do it without knowing what you're getting into, but be sure you're able to absorb and appreciate it, to look behind the horror you feel and get a feeling for what substance is embodied within.
Self Analysis
To apply this kind of movie to your own life could be very therapeutic or traumatic, but certainly very personal. I feel like I can't do this movie any justice without at least trying to piece together some thoughts about what I've learned and how it can apply to my life without digging too deep into the dark recesses of my secret psyche.
Many of the characters are reaching out, each in their own way, probing for acceptance, affection, resolution and a sense of belonging. It sounds generic, but they are working out who they are becoming as they grow. After all, the main characters tell a story spanning a decade, much of which is in their teens. But this is far from a typical coming of age tale. The elements of the story are much heavier and more specific and unique than you'd usually find in your Breakfast Club. And perhaps in some ways, that is one point to be made. Having extreme situations in your life may push your personality sharply in a certain direction, but some underlying human traits always remain. Sometimes I think of myself as the opposite of an extreme, for better or worse. My extreme is in curiosity, and as such, I spread my interests very wide but often shallow. I don't join cliques and focus all of my energy on one specific social group and one common interest that is studied avidly. So I look around, and I see cliques and I see people grouped by their main interests, and I see no one place where I feel I should be. But sometimes then I remember that everyone else is looking around, and they're not sure if they are where they want to be, or if they belong there, or if any place, any group, any passion or person is right for them. And in remembering, I am joined to all those other people, all individuals, all the same.
There is so much more I could and should explore, but I'll save it for a second viewing with a second opinion from a second source.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The Truth About Cats & Dogs
I'm watching The Truth About Cats & Dog right now which is funny because I've just watched just about all of it just a week or two ago. See, I started watching it in the middle, but then I decided to record it on DVR so I could see the beginning. Anyway, I really like this movie. That's probably pretty sad for a "tough" guy but it's really cool. It's sad and happy and fun and romantic. I haven't really got the romantic thing going on in my life right now. Tonight I kind of hoped somehow something romantic would happen, but really it was just that I had a lot to drink, and I just want to feel a little attention or affection or love or something.
Just like She's All That, this movie shows two people discovering each other and themselves, and falling in love. Well, in this case, there's a third person, too, and that makes for a neat plot device. And it complicates things and makes a movie. But anyway, it's so hard and yet easy and great to watch the "falling in love" thing.
I wonder if I love someone.
Just like She's All That, this movie shows two people discovering each other and themselves, and falling in love. Well, in this case, there's a third person, too, and that makes for a neat plot device. And it complicates things and makes a movie. But anyway, it's so hard and yet easy and great to watch the "falling in love" thing.
I wonder if I love someone.
Monday, March 10, 2008
So Depressing
Today I ruined my comforter. It was only $30 but it's not available any more from Amazon. I thought I could just give it a little rinse but then it soaked up some water and I tried to run it through the dryer. It has weird brown patches all over it now, and my only guess is maybe because my dad and I were fiddling with the water filtration system, I let some water through the line straight from my well, and that happened to be what I used to rinse it off. Seems to be a stretch, but what else could have done it? Could the lowest heat setting on the dryer have baked the microsuede? I'm sure it's supposed to be "dry clean only" but it's probably too late to get rid of the brown spots. I really liked it. I'm so bummed.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Not A Movie Review
You probably wouldn't think that one of the hardest places for me to make friends is online, would you? It's weird, but I think I have a feeling about why that might be. In person, I'm pretty sure there's some kind of magic that happens, whether it be charisma, charm or a kind face (though I can't say anyone ever says I have those things) which makes people feel really comfortable around me. I can't count the number of times I was minding my own business in a store, and the next thing I know, I'm hearing about how some complete stranger spends their evenings, sitting on the patio and admiring nature in their backyard, or the way their older brother always had the best stereo in their car, so they felt like they should tweak their own to match. It seems to work on kids and cats, too. One person told me their cat wouldn't let even a best friend that had slept over countless nights to pet it, but within a day of meeting the cat, it was purring on my lap while I scratched between the ears. This kind of stuff doesn't shine through these virtual connections. There's something else that shines through. I can think of a few things. One is self doubt. Another is this weirdness people find in the things I know. I've known a lot of people and talked to a lot of people and yes, even people watched a lot of people. I kind of "get" people and it gives me a good intuition about them. I can't predict how they'll react to me, but I give people the impression that I know more about them then they are comfortable having me know. Well that and I'm pretty good at online searches and killing free time with absent minded clicks through friend's blogs, comments, and blog rolls, and so on. And I am so enamored with peeking inside the minds of all the people that blog, so I read and read and read. And the more interesting the read, the farther back into their past I look. I guess that's crazy. I don't really know. I don't think people like it.
I guess another thing that's important, and perhaps not exactly a measure of character is that "online friends" point to each other's blogs. I don't have a traditional blog. I have a password protected web site for friends and family, and then this young, relatively secret, anonymous to most blog that is almost entirely made up of movie analysis (at best). I don't post regularly and I don't talk about really interesting topics that a lot of people will find interesting. You know, like on those blogs that are so riveting to me. I don't have one of those famous blogs that is almost universally known in the blogosphere. I'm an outlander, with a private ranch... but a really powerful telescope. Creepy. I guess.
This wouldn't matter, except for some reason I really want online friends. Probably mostly because I want to post my thoughts, and then get lots of feedback. I get a lot of that from family, as well as some from a few of my real world friends, but not much, and the family feedback isn't fulfilling in the same way. Sure, family is what is important. Who would argue that online friends are any more significant? But I want that feedback. That interest. That significance in the online world. And whiny posts like this one don't help! Too bad. I think about this from time to time, and I like to get it off my chest. Maybe that'll help free me from doing things with that odd goal in mind. Maybe not. Maybe it's time I stubbornly fight the mainstream blog tools. At least this is on Blogger, but maybe I need to cave in to the wild call of WordPress!
I guess another thing that's important, and perhaps not exactly a measure of character is that "online friends" point to each other's blogs. I don't have a traditional blog. I have a password protected web site for friends and family, and then this young, relatively secret, anonymous to most blog that is almost entirely made up of movie analysis (at best). I don't post regularly and I don't talk about really interesting topics that a lot of people will find interesting. You know, like on those blogs that are so riveting to me. I don't have one of those famous blogs that is almost universally known in the blogosphere. I'm an outlander, with a private ranch... but a really powerful telescope. Creepy. I guess.
This wouldn't matter, except for some reason I really want online friends. Probably mostly because I want to post my thoughts, and then get lots of feedback. I get a lot of that from family, as well as some from a few of my real world friends, but not much, and the family feedback isn't fulfilling in the same way. Sure, family is what is important. Who would argue that online friends are any more significant? But I want that feedback. That interest. That significance in the online world. And whiny posts like this one don't help! Too bad. I think about this from time to time, and I like to get it off my chest. Maybe that'll help free me from doing things with that odd goal in mind. Maybe not. Maybe it's time I stubbornly fight the mainstream blog tools. At least this is on Blogger, but maybe I need to cave in to the wild call of WordPress!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
She's All That
Yeah - I'm over eight years late in getting around to watching it. But maybe it was worth the wait. I like She's All That for all the reasons I didn't like Waitress and Wedding Crashers. The antagonist, if you could call him that, actually had lots of redeeming qualities, and the ending was acceptable and believable, even if other parts of the movie were not. The movie had dumb stereotypes and over the top scenes that I can't bring myself to believe, such as the party and prom dancing. Anyway, it's nice to see people fall in love, grow a little, find themselves a little, and get to know other people in a sincere, intimate manner. It gives you something to think about for yourself.
The whole high school popularity scene is something I'll have a hard time forgetting, and it almost feels like it is happening all over again at work. Maybe it's just how tired I've been or the malfunctioning air conditioning, but I've found myself grumpy, irritated and moreover distant from the people at work. I feel like people have their cliques, and I'm only ever a visitor in any of them, outside looking in. I guess it really isn't helping me that I haven't established a personality for myself. I guess other people do have their image of me, but I'm not certain what the correct image is. I am a computer nerd. It is rare that I pass up an invitation to go for drinks. I don't have great fashion sense and I can't dance. What else is there to me?
To go off on a tangent, something else that has been bothering me lately is that I can't seem to feel good about the parties I host. I have had a few good ones. That random one for Chelsea and Katy last fall was great, and New Year's wasn't bad either. And I guess as long as I get over that early on hump of worrying about people showing up, what they're going to do, and whether I can keep Frodo from humping and tearing clothes, then I can settle in to the good times. But until that point, I'm a bundle of stress and nerves, and it rubs off on my guests. A few co-workers were at my housewarming, and that was a good time, and the following party was decent, but there was conflict between some Lebanon friends and co-workers, and I haven't had a real party since that involved any co-workers at all. I know I shouldn't rely on work to supply me with friendships, but it seems like that's what's happening sometimes. But there is still some sort of weird invisible line that seems to stand between us. It's like those nights out and parties are artificially limited and also perhaps inaccurate representations of who we are. Maybe the problem is just that I've had some great times way back when, and the nostalgia is overwhelming at times.
I followed a trail of Garfield related web sites today, and it led me to a now relatively well known series of strips published back in October of 1989 that deal with the topic of loneliness and the fear of it. I recognized the strips immediately, and it's funny to me that when I read them, probably close to their original publish date, it never occurred to me that they were particularly out of the ordinary. For whatever reason, I loved Garfield, so I bought book after book, and read through them. I didn't laugh out loud. I certainly didn't "get" them in really in the messages they convey, but I was hooked. Looking back, I appreciate them on a whole new level. It kind of makes me want to track down those books, and start building up a collection. At any rate, the point I'm getting at is that loneliness really is a great fear of mine, and perhaps for most people. Today I talked a bit with some family about expectations and the reasons behind this feeling I have that I should be getting married and having children. That discussion aside, it's true that I am lonely. I want someone in my life because I'm so tired of going through life having to seek out singular activities for entertainment that can only hope to delay my feelings of emptiness a little longer. I switch between mindless internet surfing (and virtual shopping), gaming on my laptop, watching DVDs, movies on TV, video games, gaming on my computer, occasionally doing some freelance or working on a web site project, tinkering with computer hardware, listening to music on my headphones or on my new surround sound speakers, or even just cleaning the house. I do all of these things alone. And they distract me for a while. But I tire of each and have to alternate to keep each relatively fresh. And all the while, I wish I could enjoy at least some of these activities with someone else. A friend would probably be sufficient most of the time, too. But I don't get many visitors here. And I do tire of driving, and driving, and driving to visit other people. So I want a friend that lives nearby or visits often. And I know that if I had a real, sincere, good relationship with a girl, with the connection and the laughter and the romance, then we'd want to spend lots of time together, and we would, and maybe I wouldn't feel so empty any more. Wanting that is something, and realizing that I do actually want that is another thing. For it to happen is yet another thing, and I'm told that when I stop looking, maybe then it will happen. That may or may not be true, but even when I told myself that I just wanted to party and enjoy flirting, I don't think I ever really stopped looking. And as long as I'm lonely, and don't even feel like I have a close friend in my life, I'm not sure how I'd ever manage to stop.
Do I do things that keep people from getting close to me? Am I different, or do I have a personality that puts people off? Are my tastes too varied but shallow for me to connect with others? Why do I feel isolated from everyone else?
The whole high school popularity scene is something I'll have a hard time forgetting, and it almost feels like it is happening all over again at work. Maybe it's just how tired I've been or the malfunctioning air conditioning, but I've found myself grumpy, irritated and moreover distant from the people at work. I feel like people have their cliques, and I'm only ever a visitor in any of them, outside looking in. I guess it really isn't helping me that I haven't established a personality for myself. I guess other people do have their image of me, but I'm not certain what the correct image is. I am a computer nerd. It is rare that I pass up an invitation to go for drinks. I don't have great fashion sense and I can't dance. What else is there to me?
To go off on a tangent, something else that has been bothering me lately is that I can't seem to feel good about the parties I host. I have had a few good ones. That random one for Chelsea and Katy last fall was great, and New Year's wasn't bad either. And I guess as long as I get over that early on hump of worrying about people showing up, what they're going to do, and whether I can keep Frodo from humping and tearing clothes, then I can settle in to the good times. But until that point, I'm a bundle of stress and nerves, and it rubs off on my guests. A few co-workers were at my housewarming, and that was a good time, and the following party was decent, but there was conflict between some Lebanon friends and co-workers, and I haven't had a real party since that involved any co-workers at all. I know I shouldn't rely on work to supply me with friendships, but it seems like that's what's happening sometimes. But there is still some sort of weird invisible line that seems to stand between us. It's like those nights out and parties are artificially limited and also perhaps inaccurate representations of who we are. Maybe the problem is just that I've had some great times way back when, and the nostalgia is overwhelming at times.
I followed a trail of Garfield related web sites today, and it led me to a now relatively well known series of strips published back in October of 1989 that deal with the topic of loneliness and the fear of it. I recognized the strips immediately, and it's funny to me that when I read them, probably close to their original publish date, it never occurred to me that they were particularly out of the ordinary. For whatever reason, I loved Garfield, so I bought book after book, and read through them. I didn't laugh out loud. I certainly didn't "get" them in really in the messages they convey, but I was hooked. Looking back, I appreciate them on a whole new level. It kind of makes me want to track down those books, and start building up a collection. At any rate, the point I'm getting at is that loneliness really is a great fear of mine, and perhaps for most people. Today I talked a bit with some family about expectations and the reasons behind this feeling I have that I should be getting married and having children. That discussion aside, it's true that I am lonely. I want someone in my life because I'm so tired of going through life having to seek out singular activities for entertainment that can only hope to delay my feelings of emptiness a little longer. I switch between mindless internet surfing (and virtual shopping), gaming on my laptop, watching DVDs, movies on TV, video games, gaming on my computer, occasionally doing some freelance or working on a web site project, tinkering with computer hardware, listening to music on my headphones or on my new surround sound speakers, or even just cleaning the house. I do all of these things alone. And they distract me for a while. But I tire of each and have to alternate to keep each relatively fresh. And all the while, I wish I could enjoy at least some of these activities with someone else. A friend would probably be sufficient most of the time, too. But I don't get many visitors here. And I do tire of driving, and driving, and driving to visit other people. So I want a friend that lives nearby or visits often. And I know that if I had a real, sincere, good relationship with a girl, with the connection and the laughter and the romance, then we'd want to spend lots of time together, and we would, and maybe I wouldn't feel so empty any more. Wanting that is something, and realizing that I do actually want that is another thing. For it to happen is yet another thing, and I'm told that when I stop looking, maybe then it will happen. That may or may not be true, but even when I told myself that I just wanted to party and enjoy flirting, I don't think I ever really stopped looking. And as long as I'm lonely, and don't even feel like I have a close friend in my life, I'm not sure how I'd ever manage to stop.
Do I do things that keep people from getting close to me? Am I different, or do I have a personality that puts people off? Are my tastes too varied but shallow for me to connect with others? Why do I feel isolated from everyone else?
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