Early in the Process

For most of my adult life, I identified myself as a developer. Software engineer. Application developer. Database guy. Call it whatever you want. That’s what I “do.” I also identified myself a party animal, a social creature. I was actually more reclusive in college, but in the years following, I kept building my “social network” and trying to prove to the world and myself that I was fun and great to be around.

I had some short-term relationships and some long term-relationships. I assured myself that I was a “good boyfriend.” But my insecurities were never far from the surface. They revealed themselves in the form of jealousy, or how I would forget to take care of myself and contribute way more of my time and money to the relationship than I should, especially for how early on it might be. I’d be “overly trusting” that the relationship would last while being “not nearly trusting enough” that I wouldn't be cheated on. It didn't make any sense to anyone.

Near the (third, fourth) end of my most recent long-term relationship, my ex-girlfriend gave me a book to read. Self-help. This was a few months after I’d spent a few weeks attending some therapy. Therapy was kind of helpful. I was going to that while reading a book on anxiety. They both helped with that. My therapist gave me some external feedback that I had plenty going for me and nothing to worry about, and helped me feel OK with the blame I suspected belonged to the ex. But it really wasn't a big change for me. I wasn't really improving myself. So around this time, I stumbled into a job opportunity which sounded promising, and I accepted it. I got the book right around the time I started the new job, and I started to read. I gobbled it up. I realized I had been terrible with boundaries. I realized I had been wasting a lot of time on things that didn't have a lot of long-term value for me. I realized that my ex was not at a point in her life where she would come around and realize what she was doing wrong and really change.

With this first book, I wrote down a lot of things. I decided what was important to me and what I would focus on in life. I made some changes. I stopped drinking on weeknights. I deactivated my Facebook account. I scheduled days for going to the gym. I also ordered a bunch more books from that author and his partner. It’s now just a couple months later, and while I feel great about the changes I've made so far and all I've learned, I feel like I've just got a taste for learning. And more importantly, I've just begun putting it all in practice. I want to try to capture everything I learn and get the most value out of it. I’m hoping to take more notes as I read (and re-read) books, as I make plans for my future and act on them.

I’ve started (and abandoned) a lot of blogs over the years. So this is “yet another blog.” But I hope that part of my journey is figuring out what is most important to me, and what is worth keeping around. So if this is helpful as a learning tool, and perhaps as a way to share what I've learned with others, then I’m sure it will be here for some time to come!